A Safe Space

A cycle of my unfortunate achievements.

“Help!” I cried out.

I listened for an answer, but there was silence.

I must get out of this hamster’s cage. But I keep lying to myself. Round and round I go…

My life has been a relentless circle, an endless ripple. I thought I was moving forward, only to find myself back at the center, (or some would say back to square one) right where I started. It’s worse than a merry-go-round. At least that stops and lets you step off. But I’m trapped, spinning in place, never breaking free. I call it the cycle of my unfortunate achievements, a spiral of frustration and despair. It’s a cycle where every step forward seems to be followed by two steps back, where each new challenge overshadows every success, and every joy is evanescent.

I’ve shed the same tears for too long and uttered the exact words too many times. My heart races so fast I can’t discern its direction. Agitation engulfs my mind, spinning me in all directions and scattering my thoughts like leaves in a storm. The doctor said it was my thyroid or maybe my blood pressure, but I kept telling myself it was in my head. It does not matter who gave a diagnosis; the negative feelings attacked my stomach, crawled up my spine, and my head tried to absorb the meaning of all this.

Who is stronger—my mind, my body, or my soul?

Oh, my spirit, I yearn for you. I crave a rejuvenated mind that can soar above the walls of my values, elevate me from my deepest valleys, and guide me towards something higher. My spirit is the only part that seems ready to ascend, even when the rest of me is sinking.

So true is the saying by Jesus: the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.

I looked at the graffiti on the wall, mostly abstract paintings. Swirls of colour collide and twist in patterns I don’t understand. For a short season, I took up a hobby, taking photos of graffiti around the city, from hidden corners, smelly alleyways, and under the bridges where the train would pass with its graffiti from other places. This hobby, in a way, mirrored my emotional journey. Like the graffiti, my life seemed chaotic and confusing at times, but some had beauty and meaning.

I’ve cried long and hard. Then, when the tears ran dry, I cried silently. Every flood of tears whispers back to me, reminding me of life’s fragility. ‘What is life that we are so mindful of it?‘ King David asked.

But even now, as I sit in this storm of thoughts, I sense a stirring in my spirit. Someone must understand my plight; perhaps the One who brings true light.

My spirit stirs, faint but present, reminding me that even in the darkest cycles, there is a way out. It isn’t a straight line. It isn’t simple. But I am not vanquished.

I whisper a prayer: Renew my mind, lift my spirit, and help me rise.

jjf 2025

Here are a few ways I have overcome and continue to overcome any negativity: 

Challenging Negative Thoughts: I use Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) which was introduced at College–techniques to recognize and reframe negative thinking, breaking the cycle of despair and fostering a more positive mindset. 

Seeking Wisdom and Strength: Bible verses and prayer provide me with comfort, guidance, and the resilience to keep moving forward. 

Leaning on Faith: Prayer fortifies my spirit, reminding me that I am never alone in my journey. 

Building a Support Network: Connecting with friends, family, and community groups strengthens me, offering encouragement when I need it most. 

There are countless tools and strategies out there to help me become an effective overcomer, and I make sure to embrace them. 

Negativity may come, but I am learning how to rise above it, one step at a time. 

Feel free to embrace these thoughts and grow.

Thanks for reading! ☺

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