The Crossroads of Life

One day, I found myself at a crossroads in life and location. I once lived at the main intersection of St. Paul Street and Ontario Street in St. Catharines. Living in the heart of downtown, I often gazed out my window and reflect on the intersection of my life’s choices. While contemplating my next move to a new city, my thoughts have been overwhelmed by rejection, fear, and doubt, which created a mental fog in my vision that kept me stuck. The burden of my actions felt like being trapped in prison, cutting me off from the world and silencing my pleas for help.

I knew this mess was mine to own; I disobeyed the Lord again, choosing my way over His. My stubborn will led me to a wild party the night before; although it was a friend’s birthday celebration, it felt all wrong. The music was loud, the atmosphere charged, yet my spirit was uneasy. I’ve always loved to dance, whether to calypso, reggae, or gospel, but the rhythm felt foreign this time. Instead of happiness, I felt sick and out of place, no amount of alcohol and smoking comforted the sickness in my stomach.

As the sun blazed through my window this morning, I noticed a young man pacing the sidewalk below. His face was marked with tattoos, and his voice raised in frustration as he yelled at the passing cars and pedestrians. Yet, despite his outbursts, it was as if no one saw him pacing up and down the sidewalk. He was like a forgotten sculpture shaped by the harshness of life, a reflection, in some ways, like my struggles. While he roamed the street, I remained frozen in my room, trapped in the same invisible chains.

It hit me then: the Holy Spirit was convicting me, just as I had prayed for Him to do when my wayward heart strayed. I had asked for this, yet I had forgotten that conviction comes with discomfort.

I made a list that morning, hoping to regain some footing.

Writing the list was simple, but finding the strength to act felt overwhelming.

🙏🏿 Find encouragement in the Bible.
🙏🏿 Recall His faithfulness in my life, and write five things that I am grateful for
🙏🏿 Face my shame and doubts with courage- no condemnation
🙏🏿 Stay calm because I can be so emotional
🙏🏿 Ask my friend to forgive me for being derogative or obnoxious towards her
🙏🏿 Make an appointment to see my councillor 

Seeking Solace was inspired by a dream, I read Psalm 51 for guidance and reflection.

Seeking Solace

I will run to the God of my salvation like King David ran.

When refuge, he sought for all his sins and calamities.

I, too, will run to seek the one who can calm my mind and take away my fears. 

For indeed, in sin did my mother conceived me, and my father deserted me

So, I cry with the needy who have seen and known that this would happen. 

Still no understanding of the many unanswered whys

I keep falling to my knees over the same mishaps. O Lord, please, let me not bear this.

Could you hurry up and send me a way to escape?

The rushes are tall and have taken strength in damp waters.  

I wouldn't say I like that dream; the snake keeps following at the heel of my feet.

Where can I hide? I tried laying low behind the bush, but a dog gave me away.

My heel was already bitten, and my mind was clouded for meaning;

What was to follow made my life grievous.

So, I ran to the God of my salvation, and with a mighty rushing wind, He lifted me; I was soaring with the unseen,

Taken to be baptized in water purer than a mountaintop stream.

Then, I awoke.

Prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father,

I bring You all my heaviness, guilt, and shame. They burden me, and I long to be free from this snake that trails my path. Deliver my soul, O Lord, from this pit of misery. As Your servant, David once prayed: “Remember not the sins of my youth, nor my transgressions: according to thy mercy remember thou me for thy goodness sake, O Lord.” (Psalm 25:7 KJV)

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