Lamenting for me…

My mental disposition just didn’t happen overnight; it’s been a journey of small steps, setbacks, and gradual progress through moments of clarity and struggle. With each day, I’ve learned to nurture resilience, leaning into practices that ground me and lift my spirit. I hope that by continuing this path, I’ll find a steady peace that carries me forward with strength and grace.

This year, I didn’t celebrate my birthday. I stepped away from it all: the surprises, the cake, the singing, the gifts, everything that makes up a “happy birthday.” I needed space to rest, to retreat from the world. I was exhausted, not just physically but emotionally, weighed down by the tears I couldn’t stop shedding and the pain that had taken hold of me.

What happened to me was horrible, and it left a deep mark on my heart. I’ve wrestled with guilt, blaming myself for something that was only partly my fault, though in truth, it should never have happened at all. My counselor gently reminded me that I shouldn’t carry the blame, but it’s been hard to let it go.

I was sexually assaulted, not through violence or force, but in the most manipulative and devious way by someone I thought was a friend. He cloaked his actions in sweet charisma, betraying my trust in a way I never saw coming. It shattered something inside me, and I’m still working to piece myself back together.

How can this happen when we are all grieving for another friend who has had a tragic accident by drowning. The night should not have ended on me; what selfishness, what madness. Now, I grieve for my violated soul and a bereaved soul.

Thought:

Be careful of the spirit of flattery; flattery is a devious spirit. It will call on you to speak words to build your ego and slice you in pieces in the same breath.

Lamenting for Me

I’ve been to La La Land, a whimsical spree,
At first, it was thrilling, a wild place to be.

I’ve tasted its nectar, sweet and sublime,
At first, it was enticing, no end to time.

La La Land was a garden city, a party city, a sex city;

If you want to be unnoticed, go to the land that doesn’t care that you exist.

Drink, dance, and become the dunce by their well-planned scheme,

Of someone’s trophy for the night.

And when bitten, you are lost among their numbers, 

Which are tallied on the grapevines of their winter pickings.

(c) 2016 ‘jjf

Reflection: Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 

I would like to share more about being in “a safe space” from my journals. As time passes, I will revisit these entries to add the scattered pieces I have written more cohesively. Editing takes time! And I am glad that I can share this with you, dear reader.

Thanks for reading! :)

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